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Fight fair!
Learn how to disagree without damaging your relationship
Samatha Smith of Detroit spent time in jail for blowing up. Now she can identify her triggers.
Keeping the Peace?
Does your spouse fight fair?
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Relationships are like skyscrapers in Tony Respess' world.
Respess says every interaction, argument, good and bad time is another brick in the structure.
Disagreements, like windows, are extremely telling, he says. It is in those moments, when most people are at their worst, and couples say and do things they almost always later regret. Respess should know. He's been married three times.
"Men want to yell, and women want to tell you everything you ever did," says Respess, whose third marriage to his wife, Deborah, has lasted 23 happy and educational years. The couple lives in Garden City. "I've learned a lot over the years. One is to say I'm sorry. The other is how to argue.
"Both people have to want to resolve the issue. You don't push buttons, you don't yell and you have to be in the same place. Don't start an argument in the basement when I'm on the 15th floor."
Although Respess, 52, speaks from experience on the best way to fix and fend off fights between spouses, blowups are as common an occurrence between husbands and wives as they are between siblings, bosses and employees and everyone else in between. Wisdom teaches us that there is a right and a wrong way to let others know how we feel without losing our cool. While the quest for such insights can appear as pointless and painful as verbally sparring with a rabid pit bull, you can learn how to fight more fairly and effectively.
Success coach Judy May Murphy says people should take on conflicts one situation at a time, slowly teaching themselves how to fight fair when it comes to arguing with the people we know and love.
"Basically, in every disagreement, you have to get really clear on what your end game is," says Murphy, co-author of "Your Life Only a Gazillion Times Better: A Practical Guide to Creating the Life of Your Dreams," (Health Communications, $12.95).
"The short-term goal may be to get the other person to take the garbage out or to call you when they're late," Murphy says during a recent phone interview from Palm Springs, Calif. "But the long-term goal should always be to get the other person to understand you and to understand that person so that you can both feel good about each other."
The problem is that even the most introspective people have the capacity to forget all the proper ways to handle clashes resorting instead to jibes, insults and intimidation, Murphy says. "We're all human, and when emotions get the better of us, we can all turn into little kids," she says. "You can't get caught up in thinking there is only one way of looking at things. No one is right all of the time no matter how hard they try."
Personal relationship rules often don't translate when it comes to employers and employees, says Tom Markert, author of "You Can't Win a Fight with Your Boss & 55 Other Rules for Success," (Harper Business, $14.95).
"You and your sister can fight over things, and you might say something and not talk for days," Markert says during a phone interview from his New York home. "You go too far with your boss and you could lose your job."
Markert says he witnessed a former co-worker push her boss' buttons until she was unemployed.
"Debate in most companies is healthy and encouraged," he says. "But a boss is like a rubber band, you can only stretch things so far. I watched this otherwise bright woman pull and prod, and she never picked up on the cues.
"It was like watching someone commit suicide."
When emotions take over completely, egos and jobs aren't the only things at stake. Sometimes, violence rears its ugly head. That is what happened to Samatha Smith. A few years ago, the administrative assistant got into an altercation with her husband's employer that began as a debate and eventually became a brawl with Smith assaulting the woman and later serving time in jail for several months.
"I used to have real strong anger problems," the 29-year-old Detroiter says. "In jail, I learned about myself and began to recognize what my triggers are. Now, I am more aware of my emotions, and I've learned to walk away.
"Now I know that you can bite your tongue. It will grow back."
Smith says there are constant trials. Recently, she cut short a bitter exchange between herself and a snippy supermarket cashier, she says.
"She said something smart, and I could feel my blood boiling," Smith says. "I said something and then when she responded, I realized that I had given her the edge by lowering myself to her level. I eventually told her to have 'a blessed day,' and I walked away. It was tough, but I did it."
For author Jennifer Jeanne Patterson, "tough love" is arguing with her husband Matt Samuel. Patterson writes a column on those exchanges and recently the book "52 Fights: A Newlywed's Confession," (Berkley, $14), which arrived in stores this year. You can also check out the photogenic brunet couple's journey to understanding at www.newly-weds.com
"I learned how to fight in my first year of marriage," Patterson says from her Minneapolis home. "Before I got married, I didn't know that the little things become big things. I learned to tell the difference between what's important and what you can and have to let go.
"Nothing gets solved when you go at your spouse with both fists blazing, and you can't take back hurtful words."
Because fighting to keep the eventual peace was new to Patterson, she says she had to learn how to react to what her husband said at times. For instance, when the couple dated for a year and a half, Saturdays were not a topic of debate. After marriage, Patterson learned that her hubby grew up doing household chores on Saturdays while she had grown up in a family that slept in. Conflict!
Regardless of the matter, Patterson, 32, says she learned that men's verbal styles can sometimes come across as too harsh because men are so frank, and later, she realized that Samuel wasn't trying to wound her emotionally, even if he did.
"He would say things that hurt my feelings," Patterson says. The two have been married for three years and have an 8-month-old son, Max. "Matt is solution-oriented, and when I would tell him things, I felt like I wasn't always getting heard. He's learning to listen, and I'm learning to let go."
Learning to let go is a big part of marriage and all relationships, Respess says.
"Don't let a woman be even 50 percent right," the father of five says with a chuckle. "A woman will beat you over the head with a verbal stick if she knows she's right. But I am more sensitive now. Men have to be sensitive. If you do something wrong and you upset your household, just apologize. Don't placate her. Oh God, don't do that. But be willing to admit it when you're wrong."
You can reach Mekeisha Madden Toby at (313) 222-2501 or mmad den@detnews.com.
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The Detroit News.
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