Friday, October 28, 2005

Northwestern is still a pest

By Bob Wojnowski / The Detroit News

Tom Pidgeon / Getty Images Coach Randy Walker's spread offense has given Michigan fits. Basanez Carr Comment on this story Send this story to a friend Get Home Delivery

After careful consideration, I've decided to blame it all on Northwestern. All of it. The breakdown of the Big Ten's natural order. The unseemly devaluation of defense. The proliferation of skinny quarterbacks running gimmicky offenses. The leaking of the name of the CIA operative to the media.

All of it can be pinned on the Wildcats (5-2), who once again have grown so haughty, they have the audacity to be ranked higher than the Wolverines (5-3) for this weekend's showdown, the first time that has happened in 46 years.

With all due respect, is this what we want in our beloved, rugged conference? There Northwestern sits, on the cusp of first place, again threatening to make serious noise. The problem is, this is the noise we're accustomed to in the Big Ten: "Grrrrhhummph. Burp."

This is the noise the Wildcats make: "Whhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

They run around like fifth-graders playing tag, all happy and carefree, just like they did in 1995 and '96, when they used their nerd tendencies to hack into the Big Ten computers and alter the standings to make it look like they won back-to-back titles. We figured that "era" was simply a mistake, until bespectacled coach Randy Walker showed up with his flow charts and statistical theorems and somehow won another title in 2000.

Walker does it with one of those new-fangled spread offenses that were first popularized in your better powder-puff leagues. Michigan fans, when properly medicated, recall their introduction to it five years ago, when Northwestern gained 654 yards (no, I didn't make that number up) and pulled out a 54-51 victory. That game officially changed Michigan's trademark slogan from "Go Blue" to "Turn Blue."

You could argue that Michigan's defense was so frightened that day, it still hasn't completely recovered, and neither have the fans. These days, a Michigan blowout is considered any game that's settled with more than 13 seconds left. The Wolverines' last five contests have been decided by three points or less, or three missed kicks or less, or three instant-replay reversals or less. Now on sale at area souvenir stands are the classic Michigan windbreakers, the fashionable mugs, the nifty "Fire Coach (Blank)" bumper stickers and the super-sized bottles of nitroglycerin pills.

Hate to break the news to flush-faced, sweaty-palmed Michigan fans, but that last item will be needed Saturday night in Evanston. See, the Wildcats still play defense with the approximate toughness and perseverance of withdrawn Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers. Northwestern is ranked 117th and last in the nation in defense, which is bad news for the Wolverines and Coach WWWWWLLLoyd Carr.

The Wildcats can do the math. To win, they know they'll need at least 54 points again, which means they'll take the radical and unfair approach of attempting to score on every drive. Michigan's defense has no problem conceding a score on the final possession of every game, but every possession? OK, I suppose it's possible.

Remember, Michigan hadn't lost to Northwestern in 30 years before inexplicably not winning in 1995. If we weren't sure the current Wildcats had returned to Purple Nuisance form, we are after seeing what they did to Michigan State, which has returned to its customary Fetal Position form.

I'm not saying Northwestern outplayed and out-tricked Michigan State in that hard-fought 49-14 victory last Saturday. I'm just saying they did everything but drop Acme-brand anvils on the Spartans' thick heads. (The bad news for the Spartans is, after a 4-0 start, they're not yet bowl-eligible at 4-3. The good news is, they're not yet Motor City Bowl-eligible.)

This is where the whole Northwestern-being-kinda-good concept gets out of control. We've always accepted the Wildcats were brainier than most Big Ten teams. Actually, we call it nerdier, or to be politically correct, geekier.

But now I see the Wildcats have some pretty good players. They have a fine leader in future Lions quarterback Brett Basanez (pronounced "Brett"). They have a freshman running back named Tyrell Sutton who was Ohio's Mr. Football last year. Heck, I remember the days when the only significant recruits Northwestern got were Ohio's Mr. Algebra, or Illinois' Mr. Arts and Crafts.

Apparently, times are changing. Things have gotten so rough for Michigan this season, it was dumped by its flagship radio station, replaced by Dr. Laura reruns. This is a chance for the Wolverines to rise up and restore order, to make a stand and actually stop an offense when it really matters. I suggest you cover your eyes and keep the pills handy.

Pick: Northwestern, 64-61.

• Indiana (4-3) at Michigan State (4-3): The toughest task for John WWWWLLL. Smith is to get his players to focus and stop sneaking into the film room to wistfully watch the tape, over and over, of the Michigan game, not that the loss adversely affected them in any way, uh-uh. In one of college football's cherished traditions, the winner of this one gets to lift the Old Brass Spittoon and dump its contents on the head of the coach. Pick: Michigan State, 40-31.

• Wisconsin (7-1) at Illinois (2-5): The Barry Alvarez Farewell Tour is getting a bit mushy, in my opinion. First, Michigan's parting gift was needlessly extravagant -- a complete second-half collapse. Then the last two weeks, showing no originality whatsoever, Minnesota and Purdue gave the exact same gift! Now, Alvarez gets to match wits with Illinois coach Ron Zook.

Cripes, I haven't seen such a gilded path to success since Bud Selig decided the White Sox were due to win the World Series. Pick: Alvarez, 45-17.

Pigskin picks You can reach Bob Wojnowski at bob.wojnowski@detnews.com.