Sunday, February 27, 2005

Things will be back to normal in the NHL, just wait a year

By Bob Wojnowski / The Detroit News

Comment on this story Send this story to a friend Get Home Delivery

A week has passed, and you're still numb. Either that, or you just don't care anymore.

I understand completely. So rather than bore you by rehashing the NHL season's sad demise, I'm here to enlighten you with a mildly fabricated prediction of how this absurdity will end.

• March 1: NHL Board of Governors meet in New York; NHL Players Association meets in Toronto. The Hockey News and ESPN, citing sources close to someone who knows Mario Lemieux, report a deal is done and the season will start March 2.

• March 2: It's revealed the Board of Governors actually spent most of the meeting in the hotel game room, smoking cigars and playing video golf.

• March 4: Union executive director Bob Goodenow, in a letter addressed to commissioner Gary Bettman, lowers salary-cap demand from $49 million to $48.95 million. Bettman responds by dropping owners' offer from $42.5 million to $12.3 million, Canadian.

• March 7: Frustrated Joe Louis Arena Zamboni driver Al Sobotka is detained after complaints that his constant resurfacing of neighborhood streets was causing numerous spin-outs.

• March 9: Hockeytown Café in downtown Detroit is renamed MagglioTown Café.

• March 14: Bettman says he might revise his final, final, final, final, final offer if Goodenow asks politely and addresses Bettman as "Master and Commander."

• March 16: After a Motor City Mechanics game, Chris Chelios' description of Bettman sets a modern-day TV record with 38 bleeped expletives. Chelios and fellow Mechanic Sean Avery are reminded the UHL does not condone bounties on commissioners.

• March 19: Goodenow, criticized for caving on the salary cap, is forced to explain why, in his latest proposal, players would pay skate-rental fees.

• March 20: The Hockey News and ESPN report a deal is done and a nine-game season will start March 21.

• March 23: After some confusion, the Stanley Cup is found, being used as a planter in Tampa Bay owner Bill Davidson's home.

• March 27: Carolina owner Peter Karmanos denies small-market hard-liners are out to get big-market spenders.

Karmanos makes a multimillion-dollar, front-loaded offer to a key Mike Ilitch pizza executive. Ilitch matches it, promptly raises pizza prices.

• March 30: Players finally look at the books, dispute owners' claim of $224 million in losses last season. With adjustments for hidden revenue, players say owners made a profit of $11.39.

• April 1: In classic prank, Bettman calls Goodenow, says he'll take last offer, then hangs up and titters like a schoolgirl.

• April 4: Tigers opener goes smoothly until reliever Curtis Joseph surrenders seven runs on nine hits.

• April 5, 2005-Jan. 9, 2006: Blablablablablablabla.

• Jan. 10: ESPN13 offers to televise NHL games for $250 per contest.

• Jan. 11: NHL commissioner Wayne Gretzky and union executive director Brett Hull meet for beers, hammer out agreement in 35 minutes.

• Jan. 20, 2006: Season starts. Red Wings fans complain about their goaltender.

Bob Wojnowski's column appears regularly on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. You can reach him at wojofan@aol.com.