One family

The Detroit News Two extended families get together for a celebration: Mark Stys, left, with son Jonathan, wife Vicki and son Nathan, Jonathan’s mom Kihm Hay, her husband Andy Hay and their daughter Alexandra.

Parents tell Friend of Court to butt out

Couple decides they can work together raising their son without the troublesome agency

By Kim Kozlowski / The Detroit News

    St. Clair Shores — Mark Stys and his ex-wife, Kihm Hay, have had it with the Friend of the Court.

    For eight years, the former couple has been working with the Macomb County Friend of the Court, which is responsible for helping them co-parent their son through child support and visitation.

    But Stys and Hay have decided they can handle it on their own. Earlier this month, they decided to file a motion in circuit court asking to sever their relationship with the County Friend of the Court.

    Stys said he can’t stand the way the court treats him like a deadbeat dad, even though he pays on time, never fell behind and visits with his son almost daily. Hay said she is tired of the court’s attitude she should get every penny she can from him. “We want out,” she said.

    In taking this step, Stys and Hay join a small number of divorced couples who are saying “No” to the Friend of the Court, and work out post-divorce decisions on their own. The state Friend of the Court bureau does not keep data on the number of former couples who try this route, but people involved in the system believe there aren’t many.

    Michigan law requires all divorcing parties with children to work through the Friend of the Court. But if a former couple can convince a judge it is within the child’s best interest to forgo the agency, then they can work out child support payments, visitation and other decisions themselves.

    “In those situations, there has to be a high level of cooperation and a high level of communication,” said Meri Anne Stowe, the chair-elect of the State Bar Family Law Section. “When (a divorced couple) decides to put their children’s interest above their own, it can be a very viable option.”

    By avoiding the court, these divorced couples avoid time-consuming efforts to reach the court by phone, long waits for court hearings and dealing with a system that frustrates many people.

    But Stowe pointed out that they also give up the court’s safety net for resolving issues. Others note there is no guarantee that a former couple will remain on friendly terms.

    Stys and Hay say they are better friends now than when they were married. And they say they view their roles as divorced parents differently from the way the court does.

    They argue that fathering takes more than every other weekend, as the court ordered. They also agree that 30 percent of his gross income as support for Hay and their son, as ordered in 1993, is still adequate. Stys also pays for dinners, movies and new glasses when his son needs them, and he is trying to save for his college education.

    Today, they celebrate holidays together and enjoy each other’s new spouses and children.

    “Every time either of us gets something from Friend of the Court, we shiver,” Hay said. “It’s like, ‘Oh no! What now?’ I don’t want to deal with it anymore.”

You can reach Kim Kozlowski at (313) 222-2024 or kkozlowski@detnews.com.